i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
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I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!