8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
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I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
This is my brand.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]