I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
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Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I will never stop laughing at this
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
are they though??
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]