You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
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Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
This raises questions
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please