We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
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Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Breaking news:
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.