Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
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You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts