We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
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If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“Wait, let me explain..”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
🤣🤣🤣
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.