BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
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“I’m sorry”:
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volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
this is what they would have looked like, though
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20