AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
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Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.