“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
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You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?