Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
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The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now