When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
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As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Said the murderer.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
thanks auntie mary
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game