Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

calling in to work dehydrated

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Very good news from my accountant

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

If only

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”