You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
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I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be