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Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)