the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
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The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream