A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
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You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
No laws when master is gone
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies