Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
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Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.