reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
You Might Also Like
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”