Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
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cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Going into Monday like
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
i actually laughed 😩
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin