The Weeknd is back
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Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
smh
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.