“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
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Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.