The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
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jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch