4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
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I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
sigh
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
accurate
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you