You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
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When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.