Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
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Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?