If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
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Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Coffee for people with no kids
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it