The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
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I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Sign at work today
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count