Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
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Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Bootstraps
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.