“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
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You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.