knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
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[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My first child will be named New Folder.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
What about a To-Don’t List?
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?