My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
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kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up