I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
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@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Free him
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob