You Might Also Like
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
found my next D&D character name
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.