Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
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I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.