I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
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Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan