Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
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Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.