My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
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I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
is this a warning or an offer?
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.