This made me smile…
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Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
This is hilarious….
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense