ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
You Might Also Like
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I could NOT have put it better myself.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.