My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
You Might Also Like
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
#winning
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend