Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
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Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.