I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
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Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Velcrow
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
live, laugh, laundry.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦