If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
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I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
What if all the cashiers are married?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
next level snooze
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*