woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
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I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
(more comics:
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?