9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
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If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.