god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
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[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.