What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
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me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Hard not to take this personally
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.