As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
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Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.