SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
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If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning